Wit and Wisdom

At a social gathering many years ago, Winston C. had been drinking a bit much, as usual. 

Lady Astor approached and said "Sir, you are drunk." He replied, "Madame, you are ugly." 

She replied, "You are a disgusting drunk."

He responded:  "Yes, you are probably correct, madame, but in the morning I shall be sober and you'll still be ugly."

                     

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  Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 

  

- Victor Borge 

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 

  

- Mark Twain 

  

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 

  

- Groucho Marx 

  

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 

  

- Jimmy Durante 

  

  

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 

  

- Rodney Dangerfield 

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 

  

- Spike Milligan 

  

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name wasSHUT UP . 

  

- Joe Namath 

  

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you. 

  

- Winston Churchill 

  

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. 

  

- Phyllis Diller 

  

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 

  

- Billy Crystal