April 25, 2010

Long live Bachelors !!!!

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! 


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 

--Scottish Proverb

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. 

--Sam Kinison
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. 
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:

either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding 
her way back to home always.


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?" 


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off. 


She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."


Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? 
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in! 


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was 
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this 
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish 
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works ! "

Strength of a Man and Beauty of a Woman..!!

Strength of a Man and Beauty of a Woman..!!

Strength of a Man

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.
It is seen in the width of his arms that encircle you.
The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.
It is in the gentle words he whispers.
The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
It is how good a buddy he is with his kids.
The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.
It is in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits..
It is in how tender he touches.

The strength of a man isn't how many women he's Loved by.
It is in can he be true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It is in the burdens he can understand and overcome.


Beauty of a Woman

The beauty of a woman
Is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries,
Or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
Must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman
Is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman
Is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows,
The beauty of a woman
With passing years-only grows.

Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman,
but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man

Luv Happens Only Once....
Rest Is Just Life...

April 16, 2010

When Insults Had Class

When Insults Had Class


These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


A good and civil way to have a fight  instead of physically....

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

I wrote your name on sand it got washed. 
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. 
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.


God saw me hungry, he created pizza. 
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. 
He saw me in dark, he created light. 
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.


Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.


The rain makes all things beautiful. 
The grass and flowers too. 
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?


Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. 
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you

Age Test

This was developed as an age test by the R&D Department at Harvard University. 
Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud without a mistake. 
The average person can't do it!  
This is really difficult, not so easy, so be careful. 
       1.     This is this cat 
       2.     This is is cat 
       3.     This is how cat 
       4.     This is to cat 
       5.     This is keep cat 
       6.     This is a cat 
       7.     This is fool cat 
       8.     This is busy cat 
       9.     This is for cat 
       10.   This is forty cat 
       11.   This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

April 08, 2010

10 Most useful Excel Keyboard Commands

The shortcuts

Action Shortcut
Insert a new line within a cell[Alt] [Enter]
Enable editing within a cell [F2]
Add a comment to a cell[Shift] [F2]
Open Print Preview[Ctrl] [F2]
Fill selected cells with an entry you typed in one cell [Ctrl] [Enter]
Fill data down or to the right through selected cells[Ctrl] D or [Ctrl ] R
Create a name[Ctrl [F3]
Insert the current date or timeCtrl] and ; (semicolon) or Ctrl and : (colon)
Create a chart from a range of data[F11]
Toggle the display of formulas[Ctrl] ~


Equations! - This is the best I have read in a LONG time 

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy 

Donkey = eat + sleep 


Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy 

Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work 

In other words, 
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works. 

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ ++ ++ 

Equation 2 

Man = eat + sleep + earn money 
Donkey = eat + sleep 

Man = Donkey + earn money 

Man-earn money = Donkey 

In other words 
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey 

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ + 

Equation 3 

Woman= eat + sleep + spend 
Donkey = eat + sleep 

Woman = Donkey + spend 
Woman - spend = Donkey 

In other words, 
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey 

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ + 

To Conclude: 
From Equation 2 and Equation 3 

Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend 

So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey! 
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey! 

So, We have: 
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money 

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude 

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

The Greatest Stupidity 8-They Walk among us

And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks 


A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

Genius has some limits ....stupidity doesn't....

Stupidity 7-They Walk among us

This is just too unbelievable!!!!!
I know some people like this!
You can't make this stuff up!

NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans... 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.' Mrs.. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant...

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life..

'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut... So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant... Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath - and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.' 

Caution... they walk among us

This one is equally unbelievable. (No comments needed!)


Caution : They Walk Among Us!

------------------- ---------------------------------------------- 

Stupidity 6-They Walk among us

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; 

I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Caution : They Walk Among Us!

Stupidity 5- They Walk among us

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" 
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....

They Walk Among Us !

Stupidity 4- They Walk among us

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. 

She keeps it in the car trunk.

Caution :They Walk Among Us!

Stupidity 3- They Walk among us

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; 

I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Caution: They Walk Among Us!

Stupidity 2- They Walk among us

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. 

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

Caution : They Walk Among Us!

Stupidity - They Walk among us

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 
'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

April 02, 2010

Beauty Of Night

See the famous cies in colorful lights. See the presentation. Click on the back or forward button in the bottom middle (< & >). to see next page. Click on the extreme left bottom (MENU) and select option : VIEW FULLSCREEN.

The Pillars Of Self Mastery

How to live your life sensibly. See the presentation. Click on the back or forward button in the bottom middle (< & >). to see next page. Click on the extreme left bottom (MENU) and select option : VIEW FULLSCREEN.
The Pillars Of Self Mastery

If you want a copy of it, just drop me a comment at the COMMENT link at the black strip below with ur email addressa.

The Meaning of Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." 

"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service: 

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service

Civil Service
Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations 

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. 

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about. 

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

"It is no use speaking in soft, gentle tones if everyone else is shouting". 

April 01, 2010

Moving the pointer without a mouse..!

Moving the pointer without a mouse..!

Ever thought that you could move your mouse pointer without your mouse..? No, not really, isn't it..? But, it's possible..!

Here is how:

1.Press Left Alt + Left Shift + Num Lock Button and click OK in the dialogue box that appears.

2.In your Taskbar, a mouse-like icon will appear. Double click it and under "Mouse" tab, make sure that the "Use Mouse Keys" is checked.

3.Also ensure that the Num Lock is ON (ie. the light must glow).

2.Now with the help of Numeric Keypad e.g ( Press and Hold the following Keys )

7 8 9

4 6

1 2 3

For normal click, press 5

Interesting, isn't it? You can also change settings under the "Mouse" tab in "Accessibility Options", by clicking on Settings

Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't havea computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ..
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan..
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'

Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life..

Moral 2
If you don't have an Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being an office boy/girl, than a millionaire...........

P.S - Do not forward this email back to me,
I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Written by a 90 year old...the 45 lessons life taught me.

This is something we should all read at least once...