Rude and Funny Airline Hostesses

Airline Announcements [1] United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! [2] On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.' [3] 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane' [4] An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. S he said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?' [5] As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!' [6] After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.' [7] Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.' [8] Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'La dies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!' [9] 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them home with our compliments.' [10] 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses....except for that gentleman over there.' [11] Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.' [12] After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the at tendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.' [13] Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways.' [14] Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.' [15] A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain s peaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!' [16] In December my husband, the kids and I flew to Phoenix to surprise his family. For Jeff this marked one of the many times he had been on an airplane, as for the kids and I it was our very first time on a plane, EVER! I was nervous to say the least! We flew on Southwest and it was an incredible experience for us! After we had boarded the plane and everyone was getting settled the male flight attendant began our 'in flight safety briefing'! He began with the usual safety info and began dibbling his own humorous thoughts to the announcement! Our kids ages 9 and 10 were about the only kids on the plane which made this statement priceless. 'Now, in the event of in emergency and the cabin begins to lose pressure these masks will drop from the ceiling. Please place your mask on FIRST, like so, and then you may begin to assist others who may need help! If you happen to be flying with children, PLEASE take a moment to assess which one carries the MOST POTENTIAL for success and place his or her mask on first! Then proceed to the next child!'

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Browse and Enjoy & UPUPUPUP

Lovers of the English language, which most of you're for sure, might enjoy
this.....

   There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
  It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
   but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
   At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
   Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and
   why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
   We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
the silver,  we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
   We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

   At other times the little word has real special meaning.

   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses.
   To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
   And this UP is confusing - a drain must be opened UP because it is
stopped UP.
   We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
   We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

   To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look the word UP in the dictionary.

   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can
add UP to about thirty definitions if you are UP to it, you might try
building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

   It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it
rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

   One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so.............Time to shut UP ...! This is interesting.

   But to add my own bit, while it may be acceptable to hear- it is UP to
you; It may not be desirable to be told, UP (censored). ????

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON! If you don't forward this you have no sense of humor. Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future. Now send it to everyone you know.

Must for all Sindhis.....................................

​Suddenly a devil appeared and said,   "Drop something in the sea,  ONLY  if I could  find it,   I will eat you...  If I cant then  I will be your slave!"   American dropped a diamond...  Devil found it and ate him.    Russian dropped small platinum piece...  Devil found it and ate him too.  Now its Sindhi's turn.   Before knowing what Sindhi did,  take a moment to think  what would you do  Lets see if your thought meets  with that of our legendary Sindhi?   Sindhi opened a water bottle   and poured some water in the sea  "JAI JHULELALA"   and asked to find it.    Devil fainted!!  Slave of Sindhi !!!

Words of Wisdom

Someone has written these beautiful words. One must read and try to understand the deep meanings in them. They are like the Ten Commandments to follow in life all the time.

1]Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble; it is a "steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life. 

2]Do you know why a car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE.

     So, look ahead and move on.  

3]Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.  

4]All things in life are temporary.  If going well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong don't worry, they can't last long either.  

5] Old friends are like Gold! New friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold!

    Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of Gold!  

6]  Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!  

7]When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.  

8]A blindperson asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything  worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision."  

9]When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy,

   remember that someone has prayed for you. 

10]WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES; it takes away today's PEACE.

It's a sin to tell a lie

A Policeman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. 

The group had surrounded a dog, concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" 

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray, we all want him, but only one of us can take him home. 

So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." 

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. 

He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." 

There was dead silence for about a minute. 

Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

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